Time to get everyone caught up on our journey thus far: I have kept a journal over the past few months and jotted down thoughts and feelings as things have come and tugged at me to write about. I’ve never been much of a writer or journal-er, but I needed this. I needed an outlet to jot down my feelings and sort them out. Somewhere raw and personal that only I knew about…until now that is :-). This should catch y’all up.
February 15th, 2012:
I am still in shock. In pain and in shock. How could this happen? What do we do now? I’ve heard the saying, you take your health for granted until it’s gone, well I’m gonna one up that one. You take your fertility for granted until it’s gone.
I am laying on the couch recovering, still in lots of pain. Pain and disbelief. I can’t decide what hurts more…my newly operated on tummy, or my newly broken heart. I’m gonna go with my heart. I know that my tummy and insides will heal, but my heart, I’m not so sure. The pain and uncertainty is deeper than anything I’ve ever felt before. My mom is here helping take care of me while I recover. I am so glad she is here because without her, I’m not sure I’d even eat on my own. It also helps me stay strong. I’ve never been one to be real emotional, or even show my emotion really. I am strong and stubborn. And right now I have to focus on healing. Healing for myself and for my family. I have 2 beautiful kids to think of and my amazing husband. If my mom wasn’t here, I’m sure I’d break down a lot more than I am now.
Mr. B and I have been trying for a baby for over 2 years now. After 3 miscarriages, I finally thought this was the one. The baby we’d been patiently waiting on and diligently praying for. The miscarriages were tough, but nothing compared to this. This one was different. I didn’t start bleeding between 5 – 6 weeks like the others. Mr. B says you can’t even count those because they were so early. He says I was barely even pregnant. However, when you are trying for a baby, there is no such thing as barely pregnant. As soon as you take that home pregnancy test and the two lines appear, everything changes. Even though you try not to get your hopes up (especially if you’ve had a miscarriage in the past), it’s inevitable. I instantly jumped online to calculate my due date, instantly ran to the cupboard to take my pre-natal vitamin, and instantly fell in love and became attached to the idea of this precious baby inside me. To a woman who is trying to conceive, there is no such thing as barely pregnant, you either are or you aren’t…and there’s nothing in-between. To feel this anticipation and excitement 3 times, and have to feel the loss 3 times, it was devastating. I tried to stay strong on the outside, but I was dying on the inside.
Why were we having so much trouble getting pregnant? Why did I keep losing these babies so early? Why was this in God’s plan for us? There were so many questions that were unanswered. And the doctors weren’t much help. My OBGYN ran a few tests and when they came back normal, he said the next time I got a positive pregnancy test to call him right away, he’d get me in ASAP and put me on Progesterone from the beginning. He thought maybe my uterine lining wasn’t thick enough to carry the babies, but again, it was just a guess.
As soon as we got pregnant the 4th time, as instructed, I called my OB right away. As promised, he got me in to be seen immediately, the next day even. However, I wasn’t far enough along to see anything on the ultrasound. I was just under 6 weeks. He had me get my blood drawn to check my HCG levels and told me to come back every 2 days to get my blood taken and compare my numbers. He shared that in a healthy pregnancy, your HCG numbers will double every 2 days, and if they didn’t , well, that was cause for concern. The anticipation and wait for the first HCG numbers to come back was grueling. Even though it took the results less than 24 hours to come back, it felt like days. Was I really pregnant? Even though 2 Home pregnancy tests came back positive, what if they were wrong? What if my OB couldn’t see anything on the ultrasound, because there was nothing to see? What if I got a call from my doctor and he said, “I’m sorry, you’re not pregnant at all”. Days I tell you…with all this running through my head…it felt like days. I just wanted someone, anyone, to confirm that I was pregnant.
February 8th, 2012:
4,102!!! The HCG test came back and said that we we are PREGNANT!!! Tears and gratefulness are all I can muster. I am so excited. Those numbers look great and my doctor said that after my next blood test we should be able to see something. I am falling on my knees and thanking God for His blessings!
February 10th, 2012:
The second HCG test came back. 5,668. It hasn’t doubled like it should, however, my OB said that everyone is different. Maybe mine would double on the third day, or stay low for a while and then shoot up. He instructed me to take it easy and come back and have my blood re-drawn in 2 days. My heart is heavy but I am trying not to worry. I mean, this is the furthest we have been out of any of the other pregnancies, that’s gotta count for something, right?! I am choosing joy rather than fear!
February 13th 2012:
5,750. My heart is heavy. Even though my HCG went up, it only went up by 82 over 3 days. There is definitely something wrong. Tears and ugly sobs are all I can muster. How could this be? My OB is out of town and his nurse instructed me to go to the nearest ER. After many tests at the ER, the OB on call that night said that she was pretty certain it was an Ectopic pregnancy and the baby was implanted in my left tube. She showed me the radiology ultrasound pics and my dilated tube that was over 10 cm enlarged (that is the size of a babies head). She said that typically you don’t see the Fallopian tube at all on an ultrasound because it is so small, but there it was, clear as day. The whole entire thing taking up most of the screen. She told me that I would need to be rushed into emergency surgery and that tube would need to be removed. Naive me, I declined the surgery and told her that I would rather wait it out and let my body miscarry. From that point on I was pretty much held hostage and told that if I didn’t have this surgery, that I may die. How could this be? One minute I am anxiously anticipating a baby, and the next I am being rolled in for surgery.
I wake up. No baby and one tube now missing. I almost didn’t want to wake up. It all felt like a bad dream. I didn’t have any time to process the days events until they had already happened. And I couldn’t go back now. Even though I wanted to wake up from this nightmare, this was reality. As I woke, my surgeon told me that the tube that they thought had held the pregnancy, had not. It was the other tube, my right one, the one we thought was my good tube. She had wanted to remove both, but without my consent (and Mr. B didn’t want to consent to that on his own), she couldn’t make that decision. She let me know that she put a slit in the left one to drain it (remember, it was enlarged to 10 cm) and then left it alone. She informed me that it would most likely not be a functioning tube and that in order to have more babies, we would need to do IVF. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach, literally and emotionally. What even happened? Less than 5 hours ago I was pregnant (or so I thought) and so excited about this baby and our future. Now I was coming out of surgery with all hopes of having a baby naturally erased. Within hours my life had changed. Our life had changed.
The surgeon said that I was lucky to be alive. The situation was far worse than any of us had previously thought. The tube that had held the pregnancy had burst and I was bleeding internally. Who knows for how long, but I lost about a liter of blood. So much that they almost had to give me a blood transfusion in surgery. Thankfully, they didn’t have to. My surgeon said that women can die within minutes of their tube bursting if internal bleeding occurs. Even though I was weak and in pain…I was alive. Thank God I was alive! They were also able to perform the surgery laproscopically, so I only had 2 small incisions on the lower front of my belly and a third in my belly button. With a burst tube and so much internal bleeding, I was lucky that they didn’t have to completely open me up to repair the damage. I was trying so hard to find all the positives in the situation and just merely be grateful for life. I mean, I was alive! Some women that go through the same situation aren’t as lucky. But here I am recovering. I am going to be okay. Shouldn’t that be enough?
I want it to be enough. I so badly want to be perfectly content in this life that God has blessed us with. I mean, we are BEYOND blessed! 2 amazing kids, 2 spunky and precious fur babies, a beautiful home, a stable career that provides, plenty of food in our bellies & fridge, a wonderful home church, and the most incredible family and friends that anyone could ask for. But I still can’t help but long for something that we don’t have. Something that was once so close, is now so far. Is that wrong? Is it wrong to want more?It feels so wrong sometimes. Our kids are both 11 and are my whole world. Mr. B and I met when the kids were 5, so they have pretty much grown up together. I am so thankful for them each and every day, and so thankful that they have one another too! This whole experience is teaching me to cherish them even more than I already do and notice every single thing about them. I think that we often take fertility and our babies for granted, until it it is gone. Since Mr. B and I both had children so young (and out of wedlock), neither of us felt as though we really got to experience or cherish all that comes with having a baby. I know for me, I was young and scared and just trying to get through one day and one hurdle at a time. If I had any idea that precious baby girl may be my only pregnancy, I would have treated it different. Tried to cherish and remember every moment. That time in my life seems like such a blur, ages ago, and I hate that I barely remember any of the details or feelings I had during that time. All I remember was anxiety and stress. I want so badly to experience a pregnancy with my husband. I want to know what it feels like to be excited and secure in bringing a baby into this world. I want a second chance. Please God, give us a another chance.