August 6th, 2012
Tonight was women’s coffee night with my church. I always love and look forward to the first Monday of the month so I can go to this and get spiritually fed and hang out with some awesome women! Tonight started just like any other coffee night. We sat around, talked, ate, drank coffee or tea…and just enjoyed one anothers company, void of husbands or kiddos vying for our attention. Jenn started with a prayer and then gave us a topic of conversation as we went around the circle. The topic was to share with the group a way that you have seen God touch your life over the past few weeks. It is funny…when you get a group of women together and give them a topic such as this, you typically see a theme or pattern start to form as you move around the circle. Not sure if it is subliminal messaging that occurs when one is trying to think of a story to share and hears another that reminds her of something, or if it is truly God working in the group and leading us to what is shared that night. On this particular evening, the theme that started to form around the circle was that of babies. A knife in the heart is an understatement.
I just had surgery 6 days prior, to have my only remaining Fallopian tube cut and removed. It is still so early after surgery and I was so close to not even making it to coffee tonight. Now I really wish I had skipped it. As we went around the circle, 2 people shared the happy news that they were expecting, and many others shared births that had occurred in their family over the past couple weeks. A room filled with lots of congratulations, high fives, and abundant fertility was pretty much the topic of the night. I wanted to leave. I kept wondering if anyone would notice if I got up to use the restroom and never came back. It was towards the back of the house, so I could probably sneak out pretty easily. The though crossed my mind many times throughout the evening, but I wasn’t brave enough to do it. It’s not that I’m not incredible happy for these women and their families, because I am, I truly am! It’s just too soon. I kept wondering why God wanted me here on this night, to hear this. Why would He allow the topic tonight to be THIS, knowing that my physical and emotional wounds were still so fresh, still so raw.
Tonight, as I laid in bed with Mr. B, I told him about the evening. The tears flowed freely as I recalled the pain that I felt as the women kept talking of babies. smiling and laughing, not a care in the world. I told him that I was so happy for the two women that shared of their pregnancies…undeniably, deeply happy for them. I don’t wish infertility on anyone, not even my worst enemy (if I had one), so when I hear about others having babies (wantful pregnancies), I am so thrilled for them! But I was so sad for us too. I felt sad and angry. Why was this happening to us? Why did I have to be there to hear that tonight? Why has God chosen this path for our lives? Mr. B said that he wasn’t sure why all this was happening but maybe it was God’s way of bringing us closer together. I thought a lot about that but just couldn’t wrap my head around this reason. I mean, if he wanted to bring us closer together, I could think of a million ways He could do that. Why did He have to take away the one thing that we truly wanted right now. And why did it have to hurt so bad?
I pray that God will indeed bring Mr. B and I closer together during this experience. That our marriage will become stronger with each new decision and each new hurdle. I pray that it will also strengthen our relationship with God as we rely on His strength and His strength alone. I also pray that the Lord will protect my heart as it is healing. Tonight was so hard for me. And I’m not sure how many more times salt can be poured into an open wound before it never recovers.