August 10th, 2012
When I first found out that I was going to have to have my second tube removed and our only chances at a baby would be through IVF, I was devastated. I had so many questions and I was so hurt . How could God give and then take away the dream in my heart to be a mother again? I mean, how easy would it have been to have Mr. B and I feel totally content with the two kids we had and never try for another. We’d be perfectly happy without that desire and never know this path of heartbreak. Or, how easy would it have been to have us get pregnant and have a baby together, like we always dreamed, and like so many couples do without thought or fear? I feel angry. And I hate feeling that way. I don’t want to be angry. I want to be excited and hopeful. I know that God has a plan. I know that He loves this family. I know that it breaks His heart that my heart is broken.
The other day I wrote about how hard Women’s Coffee night was for me and I was wondering why God would allow me to be there on that particular day to experience that pain. He could have easily made me not feel well enough or not feel strong enough to be out yet. I mean, I did just have surgery 6 days prior. Yet, I was excited and looking forward to attending the Coffee Night. Although none of them knew what I was going through, I knew I needed their strength and to just be around Godly women. But later, I wondered why God had allowed me to go, knowing it would be so painful for me. Knowing I wasn’t ready. Knowing what the topic of conversation would be.
I had an epiphany tonight. God allowed these things to happen because He cares more about my character than my comfort. I know that in this very circumstance, He is shaping, molding, pulling, pushing, twisting, stretching and willing Mr. B and I to be more like Him. God wants us to be uncomfortable, because that’s when we trust him most, and that’s when He has the opportunity to build our character. God cares more about my character than my comfort because comfort is a human attribute, a human longing, a human emotion. Character is who I really am, and who I really am reflects who God created me to be and reveals the ways in which I am created in His image.
Although I know these things to be true. I can’t help but feel as though Mr. B and I are somehow being punished for past mistakes and mis-obedience. I know in my heart of hearts that the Lord doesn’t work this way, but I can”t help but feel it at times. I mean, I had a child out of wedlock, and Mr. B had two children out of wedlock. What if we are being punished for this? What if he blessed us with babies when we didn’t yearn for one knowing that it would stretch us and bring us closer to Him, only to take it away when it is our strongest desire, because once again, it will bring us closer to Him. Because let me tell you, I don’t know how single parents can raise a baby on their own without the Lord in their life. I remember countless times, falling on my kneed and just praying. Seeking the Lord to carry me when I was too weak. And that picture rings true to this situation as well. Countless times within the past few months, I have fallen to my knees seeking the Lord and asking for Him to carry me. I know this is His intention, but I still can’t shake the feeling that it feels an awful lot like a punishment.
So if you are suffering in a manner that pleases God, keep on doing what is right, and trust your lives to the God who created you, for he will never fail you. ~1 Peter 4:19~