September 1st, 2012
I’ve been thinking a lot lately. Where do I fit in? I mean, I’m not really part of the infertile community because Mr. B and I have kids and I’ve carried and delivered a daughter. But, I’m not part of the fertile community either, at least not anymore. I feel like I don’t fit into either side and neither side completely understands where I am. I don’t feel like I can really talk openly and freely to my friends who are fertile with no fertility struggles, because they don’t really get how emotional and draining this road is. And I can’t quite talk to friends who are having fertility struggles because most are still trying for their first and would give anything for just one baby. Both sides do have something in common though, both say something to the effect of, “You already have 2 kids, why do you need more?”
I constantly feel guilty for wanting more. Because it’s just that, it’s a want, not a need. Especially since being a lurker around some of these IVF forums. There are so many women out there who are waiting on their miracle. Hoping, wanting, and praying for a baby every single month. Month after month, year after year, sometimes even decade after decade. My heart breaks for them. I often wonder if God allowed this to happen to us so that I could be more compassionate and open my eyes to the pain that is out there. I never knew there was such a heartbroken community of women who spoke their own language, shared the same struggles, and lived their life two weeks at a time.
I’ve never been brave enough to officially set up an account or become more than a lurker on any of these fertility forums. I guess it’s the guilt. I keep thinking, I don’t fit in here. I mean, who am I to want a third child, when there are so many women and so many amazing couples who just want one? They’d be happy and forever grateful for just that one chance at Motherhood. And I already have that. I not only have one amazing child, but I have two. And I not only have two amazing kids, but I have one boy and one girl. What more could I ask for? God has already blessed us tremendously. This whole experience has really opened my eyes to what’s important and how truly blessed we are. I want to make sure I am focused everyday on what I do have instead of dwelling on what I don’t have. Who am I to even think that we deserve more? Are we being obedient, and faithful with what God has already given us. We sure try to be, but, could we be better? Always.