A Miracle or False Hope?

So, I finally got a call back from my OB, Dr. Adams, to talk about my blood results and HSG test results. I had been trying to get ahold of her for the past two weeks, so it was a relief to finally get her on the phone. I have researched and studied my bloodtest results on my own, so I was pretty much looking for her to verify what I had already learned. She said that the two tests that stood out to her, were my FSH (13) and my Estrodial (25.8). As  I already knew, my FSH is high for my age (it should be under 10) and the E2 is on the very bottom end of normal (25-50 is normal range). I asked her if she thought these results would affect the IVF outcome. She pretty much confirmed exactly what Dr. K had said…that my age is the most important factor in all of this. And, since I am considered young for IVF standards, even if my ovarian reserve is a little more depleted than others my age, I should still have great quality eggs. She reminded me that the FSH shows quantity as opposed to quality, and with IVF, quality is the most important thing. It was nice to hear and gave me the bout of confidence that I have been lacking ever since getting those damn test results back.

Next, she asked me if I was sitting down. Uh-Oh…I was immediately scared! What did that mean? I wasn’t, so I sat down immediately as instructed. She said, “I want to talk to you about your HSG results”. The HSG…gosh, I hadn’t even thought about that test since I barely skimmed over the results over 2 weeks ago and sent them off to Dr. K’s office. If you remember, the HSG test is a procedure I had done where they insert dye  into your uterus to see if it flows freely through your tubes. Since I had 2 partial salpingectomy surgeries (1 for an ectopic pregnancy and the other for a dialated tube), in my case, we were expecting the tubes to be closed. Really, the only reason the test was ordered, was to make sure the procedure went as planned and to have in in my post op surgery file. Also, it was a requirement that Dr. K’s office requested prior to starting IVF (in my particular case). I didn’t pay much attention to the results when they came back. Mainly because I already knew what the outcome would be (or should be).

I scrambled through my fertility folder (where I keep all things regarding our upcoming IVF) to find the report she about to discuss. Dr. Adams continued, “Well, it looks as if your right tube, the one that had the ectopic pregnancy is open.” I was silent. “Open, like how?”, was all I could muster. “Open like, open…meaning you can get pregnant”, was Dr. Adams response. Wait, WHAT?! I finally found the results in my pile of papers and saw that it said the following:

Right tube: Patent with Free Peritoneal Spillage

So that’s what that meant? I had seen it when initially skimming over the results, but had just thought it meant closed. I mean, why can’t the results be in plain english, knowing perfectly well that a regular person, along with a doctor will be reading these test results? If it said something like Right tube: Open and dye seen flowing through entire length of tube, both the doctor and the patient would understand it’s meaning. And then, we could have avoided this awkward conversation that is filled with much confusion on my part. When she said, ” Open like, you can get pregnant”, I thought she said can’t get pregnant. It took a few times of her repeating her sentence and finally spelling it out, “C-A-N”. I was silent again. “How can that happen?” was my response, still quite confused. She went on to tell me that even though she burned the ends of the tubes where she made the incisions (to cauterize bleeding), that sometimes the burned portions can fall away (like a scab) and the tube can reattach itself. Wait, is that really possible? My tube could just reattach itself back together? She pretty much said that although technically it’s possible, it was more like a miracle. Silent, again.

The conversation continued with a million more questions from me about how that could happen and what that really meant. I asked her if we could get pregnant the conventional way. She said that as long as my tube was open it was definitely possible, however it was not probable. She reminded me that my tube had major surgery on it and it may not be entirely functioning. She also said that if my tube is damaged, if I got pregnant, we could be at risk for another ectopic pregnancy. Just the thought of that brings tears instantly to my eyes. That was the most traumatic night I have ever had to endure…and I hope I never find myself there, ever again!

Whether this new news prompted it, or it’s been there all along…Mr. B is getting cold feet. He has probably been getting cold feet for a while, or maybe he’s never been 100% on board since the beginning, but this was news that allowed him to really take a step back and question if we are making the right decision. It also was the news that really allowed and forced us to talk about how one another was feeling and how very scared both of us are. Mr. B thinks that because my tube is miraculously put back together…that we should try to conceive naturally for a while and see what happens. Don’t get me wrong…I am ALL for conceiving naturally, especially because up until 48 hours ago, I thought this was impossible for us. And it very well may still be impossible. But, as Dr. Adams said, there’s a chance. Like from the movie Dumb & Dumber…I keep picturing Lloyd saying, ” So you’re telling me there’s a chance.”

Of course, if I had a choice, I would most definitely rather create a baby through making love than through making our baby in a lab and a petri dish. However, I’m not sure if I’m ready to take that chance. We have other options now. I mean, gosh, we are supposed to be starting the entire IVF process in less than 5 days. If trying naturally was the only option we had…you bet I’d try every single month until I frickin’ went into menopause. However, that hurt is still so fresh and I remember what that road is like. Living your life 2 weeks at a time. 2 weeks trying to conceive and then 2 weeks waiting to find out. 2 weeks trying to conceive and then 2 weeks waiting to find out. Month, after month, after month. And then when Aunt Flow arrives (your stupid, unwelcome period), it is like you are facing a death…a crushed hope & dream…each and every month. And, as the months go on, it doesn’t get easier, if anything, it gets so much harder. It is a road that I wish no-one ever had to walk down. After 3 miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy, I have many battle wounds from walking this very road. Both physical and emotional scars that I will carry with me forever. Like I said before, I am so, so, scared of another ectopic pregnancy! And even though my tube looks to be open on an x-ray machine, doesn’t mean that it is healthy and strong enough to get the little egg all the way from the ovary to the uterus in one piece. I understand that this new development makes Mr. B question things. Question whether this is the right path for us, if this is where God wants us….gosh, I question it as well…all.the.time. But I also know that I am so ready for our baby already. And I feel like we are so close.

After church on Sunday, we went down to the front for prayer. We’ve only done this one other time and it was right after my first surgery (after the ectopic ). Today, we got the same kind gentleman (Tom) that prayed with us last time and he totally remembered us. He remembered that I had had surgery and asked how things were going. Mr. B did most of the talking, as I choked back tears. Gah, I’m so emotional lately (totally unlike me)! Tom listened, and nodded and really made us feel as though he was there for us. Then he extended his hands, one on each of our shoulders, and said the most beautiful prayer. He prayed that God would help us know that we are making the right decision and that He would make us feel as peace with whatever decision He leads us towards. He also prayed that my body would heal and be strong enough to accept and carry a baby. He also prayed for our finances and if we decided that IVF was the road to take, that that wouldn’t be a huge burden for us. He closed with just asking God simply and straight forwardly, to bless us with a baby. It was the perfect prayer and just what both Mr. B and I needed.

Family and friends, please pray for us and these big decisions that lie ahead. Pray that we will know and be led down the right path. Also, pray that Mr. B’s cold feet will become warm again and that he has it in his heart to fight for this baby with me. Whichever path we take, I need him to be 100% on board and I need him to fight just as hard as I am planning to fight.

As always, thanks for all your love, support and prayers!

~ xoxo, Mrs. B

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