I found this poem the other day and it brought tears to my eyes. It made me look at what kind of mother I am now and what kind of mother I want to be. There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience, or without loss. Once upon a time, I was one of those mother’s. I had my daughter at age 21 and she was a surprise. Although she was an amazing blessing, she was conceived without effort. Because of this, I know I took so much for granted in her early life. Man, if I only knew then what I know now. If God decides to bless us with a baby, I know I will be better this time around. I will be better not because of more practice, or more money, or that I have read more books…but because I have struggled, toiled, waited, cried, hoped and prayed for this child. And whenever I find myself feeling angry about why we have been dealt this painful road, I can even appreciate how in the end, when we have our miracle baby safely in our arms…I will look at my baby different than most mother’s. Not that I will love my baby any more than anyone else…but our paths will have been paved and walked differently. And the fact that we have been through so much for this baby, will certainly make us more appreciative of the gift.
I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body.
I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.
I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.
I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard.
I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life. Yes, I will be a wonderful mother!