Tomorrow at 10:45 we have our first official IVF treatment appt. It seems like it’s taken forever to finally get here…but then again, I wish it was still a lifetime away. I am so nervous about all of it! The only thing that keeps me going is I keep thinking, This has to work! It just has to! When Mr. B and I very first started dating, we often talked about where the other one had been for so long. It seemed as though I had searched an entire lifetime to find him, and he felt the same about me. While searching for one another, it often felt like the one thing we wanted…people kept getting all around us. I remember so many of my friends meeting Mr. Right, falling in love, and getting married…all while I was still single. It was agonizing at times. I was constantly asking God, “When is my turn?” Sometimes I even doubted if the love of my life was even out there. Mr. B told me that he knew I was out there. I asked him how he could be so sure. For me it seemed to get harder and harder with each failed first date and each failed relationship. His response has stuck with me. He said he knew that I was out there because he prayed and prayed that he would find me. And he also prayed that if I wasn’t out there, or to find love wasn’t in God’s plan for him, to take the desire for it away. He said the more he prayed for that, and the stronger he felt about finding love, he knew God would someday make that dream a reality.
Like my wise husband, I have been praying that same prayer for the past 2 years. I have prayed countless times to God for a baby. He knows my heart, He knows my desires, even without speaking. Even more than that prayer, I have prayed that if this is not God’s will, if this is not the path He wants us on, to simply take the desire for a baby away. Well, it hasn’t gone away or even subsided over time. If anything, the desire has become stronger with each passing week, month and year. If this wasn’t Gods road for us, if this wasn’t His plan, I know He could take away the desire for another child in a heart beat. Especially since I am already a mother to two amazing children.
Many times over the past 2 years I have felt guilty about desiring more children. I have two perfectly beautiful 11 year old babes, a boy and a girl. What more could I ask for?! I’ve seen and met many women while on this TTC (trying to conceive) journey who don’t have any children and are struggling for their first. It breaks my heart. I sometimes think these women may look at me and think that I am selfish for wanting more, when there are so many silently struggling for even just one. But you know what, I don’t feel guilty about this desire anymore. I have come to realize that my desire is just like theirs. It is valid and strong and real. I want a baby with my husband. I want a baby while in a safe and committed relationship. I want a baby that is part him and part me. We have two children between the two of us…but none together. I want to experiEnce this with him, I want to give this to him, just like any other woman trying for a child. I also realize just how easily God could have made my heart, soul and mind content with the kids we have. Yet, He didn’t, and I still yearn for a baby. And it is because of this yearning that I know this is going to work. It has to. I trust my God and I know without a doubt that He wouldn’t put a dream in my heart just to rip it away.
“God will never put a dream in your heart, and then put it up for auction.” – Mr. B my amazing rock!
Family & Friends, please say a prayer for us tomorrow as we head to Pasadena for our appointment. Please pray that everything looks as it should on the ultrasound and that my baseline bloodwork comes back within normal limits. If everything comes back good, we should get the green light to start injections tomorrow night. Then, we’ll really be on our way to bringing home our precious baby.