Full of Grief and Gratitude

I have been absolutely devastated the past few days about the tragedy that occurred in Newton, CT on Friday. And the fact that the pictures of all the angels that lost their life on Friday were released today, well, I am just a mess. It devastates me that we live in a world and time that we have to be afraid to send our kids to school. As I picked my kids up from school on Friday, I gave them a huge hug as soon as they were safely in my arms. And I did again today, as I sent them off. I always give them a hug and a kiss before and after school, but these were different. These held a different meaning because I was reminded just how instantly life could change. At the drop of a hat, either by the hand of a madman, an illness, or a senseless tragedy, these precious children could be taken from me, or I from them. God help us.

The events that took place in CT, really put things in perspective for me. Here we are trying so, so hard to bring another child into the world. First of all, it really got me thinking whether this is a safe world anymore. In a time where there are terrorist attacks, school shootings, mall shootings, and so many other horrendous, senseless acts…do I really want to bring more children into a world that is becoming riddled with fear of their safety? I know the answer to that question is yes, yes I still want more children. Even if this world seems like it is going to shit, there is still a lot of good and beauty out there. And God is still in charge and at work. These are the moments and the lessons that I want to share with my children.

But more than that, it really got me thinking…why us? Why were we so lucky to keep our kids on Friday, when so many families lost theirs? Why did I get to hug my kids after school when so many families hugged their babies for the last time earlier that morning, having no idea that it would be the last earthly hug they would ever give to them. Why was I so lucky that my husband made it home that night? Why wasn’t it us? Why wasn’t it our town? Or my kids’ elementary school? It very well could have been. And then it got me thinking, why would God bless us with a baby? Why are we so different than the next person struggling with infertility? Why do we deserve the blessing of a baby?  The answer is, we aren’t and we don’t. God has blessed us with 2 beautiful babies, and today is another day that I get to keep them, and hug them, and squeeze them. Just like I do with my husband. My life is filled with so many blessings, some (most) that I often take for granted. Sure, I want a baby with my hubs more than anything, and sure I am going to fight my absolute hardest for our baby. But if that is not in God’s plan for us, I understand. And more than that, I will be grateful and sing His praises each and every day for the blessings that He has already given and allows us to keep. It was a loud and clear wake up call. I will rejoice and be happy no matter what the outcome of this IVF is. I am praying so very hard for these 3 little embryos inside me right now. But feel so undeserving of them at the same time.

Here is the picture we sent out for our Christmas card this year. These 3 people are my heart and my soul. Thank you dear Lord for another day with them!

Christmas Cards 2012


3 thoughts on “Full of Grief and Gratitude

  1. Wow, this was a very selfless and inspirational post. I can’t relate to everything you said. I’m just in the beginning stages of my IVF, but I have all the exact feelings. I just haven’t really expressed them or compiled them all together…. Until reading your post. Thank you for sharing! I’m kmfx that you get a BFP. I’m hoping and praying I get one too. But

      • It was such a wake up call, wasn’t it Darcy?! I have just been so thankful the past few days since the tragedy and want to always remember to not take a single day for granted. Life is too short to dwell on what I don’t have…when I’d rather be happy, thankful, and nourishing what I do have. Since I have started this TTC journey, I have seen other areas of my life suffer…friendships, family life, my home, my positive outlook…I don’t ever want to neglect the things I do have chasing after something that I don’t. Although I’ll never stop fighting for this baby, I can’t lose sight of the immense blessings that already surround me.

        Thanks for your real and touching comment 🙂 You’ll be in my thoughts and prayers as you are embarking on your IVF journey!

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