I have been thinking a lot lately about where I fit in. I mean, I’m no longer part of the “infertile” group since I am currently pregnant, but I’m definitely not part of the “fertile” group either, since after this pregnancy I will be infertile once again. That lands me somewhere in between. The funny thing is, even though I am pregnant now, I relate SO MUCH more to the infertile group and those that are still struggling to conceive. To be honest, fertile women bug the snot out of me most of the time!
I am part of a group of women on Baby Center that are all due in Spetember of this year. It is nice to be able to have a group to go to talk pregnancy related things, but to be honest, I mostly just read along, roll my eyes at times, and don’t really contribute to the discussions. Why? Because these fertile women can be so damn annoying. Here are some of the things they have posted just today:
“My baby has been pretty active for about 30 minutes now and I cannot stand the way it feels. It’s making my skin crawl.”
“I can’t wait for this pregnancy to be over. I hate being pregnant.”
“If this baby doesn’t let me get some sleep, I am going to SCREAM!”
“Depressed that all I can think about is the weight that i’m gaining I’m more excited at the thought of dieting again than having this baby.”
“I have lost all excitment for this pregnancy. My depression and hormones are so out of control. I wish it would hurry up and just be August so this would all be over and I can get back to feeling somewhat normal.”
“Yep, baby #6 is on the way. And no…we weren’t even trying!”
See what I mean. Is it just me or do those comments make you cringe? After reading these comments today (and every other day as they pop up in my news feed), I have decided to remove myself from this group. Fertile women who have never had to struggle with fertility just don’t seem to appreciate it at all. I definitely don’t feel like I belong in this group. It even makes me feel quite nauseus when I read the negative comments above. Especially when I have met so many lovely, amazing, strong, and deserving women along this journey who would give just about anything to become a mother. Or people like my blogging friend Emily, over at Eat Love Procreate, who just found at that their first attempt at IVF failed. This journey seems so unfair at times. And even though I am not one to judge God’s plan or His timing, I just know without a doubt that Emily, or any other of the wonderful women I have met who are struggling at trying to start a family, would never have an ungrateful or eye rolling comment come out of their mouth like the ones you see above.
Now don’t get me wrong, I understand that some women have way harder pregnancies than others (or than I have had) and that hormones can make you feel all kinds of off…but I also know that a little perspective goes a long way. Because man, I am soaking up every single thing about this pregnancy and LOVE it all! Seriously! I even wanted morning sickness (although I never got it) just so that I could experience everything pregnancy has to offer. I never knew if we would ever have a baby, so I am loving and wanting everything that comes along with it…heartburn, acid reflux, backache, swollen feet, sleeplessness, constantly feeling like I have to pee, and anything else this pregnancy wants to bless me with…I’ll take it all…with a smile! Sometimes I just want to scream (or slap) some sense into these fertile women and give them a little of my (and other infertile’s) perspective.
I still find myself spending most of my time on blogs reading about infertility and reaching out to fellow TTC-ers than I do chatting it up with the women who I should have lots in common with. Unfortunately, I don’t seem to have much in common with any of the women who have conceived naturally. I also know that once this pregnancy is over, I will be right back in with the infertile group since I will techinally never be able to conceive on my own without IVF. So here I am…team infertile for life! I just feel like even though other pregnant women and I are in the same place now, our journies have been so completely different…and I just don’t quite get her (and she probably doesn’t quite get me either). Mr. B often tells me that if some of these comments bother me so much, maybe I should offer a little perspective in the form of a comment about how lucky they are to actually BE pregnant. But the thing is, I know it won’t do any good. If you haven’t walked this path, you have no idea. I just know I’d be wasting my breath and probably have gotten kicked out of the group a long time ago. Good riddens, maybe he is right and I should have been offering a little perspective all along, since I am deciding to leave this group anyways. Maybe I’ll do that now with today’s comments before I remove myself. What do I have to lose?!
The ironic thing is…I was one of those women at one point in my life, when I had my daughter 11 years ago. I am such a completely different person now. Even though infertility is, and will continue to be, the hardest thing I have ever been through, I am thankful that it has touched, shaped, and given me the depth and gratitude that I just know I was lacking before.
Also, is it weird that I am still jealous of other pregnant women? Or couples who find out they are pregnant after only a couple months of trying? Seriously. There was a pregnant woman in line ahead of me at the grocery store the other day, and I felt a ping of jealously as I looked at her baby bump. It seemed so silly. I mean, I can look down and see my baby bump too… we physically are exactly alike. But I still felt jealous. Maybe because I assumed that her road to that baby bump was smooth and unbroken like mine, maybe because I am still afraid that this miracle pregnancy will suddenly come to a schreeching halt. I’m really not sure why. All I know is that I felt jealous. It sure seems silly to feel jealous towards something that I have too. One of my good friends also announced a pregnancy the other day on Facebook. He is a newlywed and him and his wife have only just started trying for a baby. Of course I was happy for them…but there I was, feeling jealous again.
So, I hope those of you that are still actively TTC and are still on the other side of infertility don’t mind if I still hang out with you, support you, read your blogs, comment, and cheer you on. I feel way more at home with ladies that have a little perspective than the ones that have none at all.